SAT Analogies

SAT Analogies is a recurring sketch on Late Night.

Appearances

March 20, 1996

• Hair: Dennis Rodman:: skin: Michael Jackson
• Hands: gloves:: horse trainers: Princess Diana
• Cleanliness: godliness:: Bob Dole: death
• Kryptonite: Superman:: food: Kate Moss
• Cars: air bags:: Pamela Lee: air bags
• Jodie Foster: John Hinckley:: Conan O'Brien: that guy (a random audience member is shown)
• Peach fuzz: a peach:: mold: a mafia snitch left in the trunk of a car on a hot summer's day in Miami
• Addict: cocaine:: Abe Vigoda: Yahtzee
• Einstein: theory of relativity:: Michael Bolton: theory of suckability

September 11, 1996

• Zaire: Ebola virus:: America: John Tesh
• Home run: Dallas Cowboys:: touchdown: New York Jets
• 16 year old: McDonald's:: 8 year old: Kathy Lee Gifford
• First stone tools: Cro-Magnon man:: domestication of cattle: Bob Dole
• Pamela Lee: breasts:: Rush Limbaugh: breasts
• Lion: zebra:: Max Weinberg: mosquito larvae
• Sunrise: "Milk them cows!":: 10 minutes ago: "Write these jokes!"
• Cat: scratching post:: Al Roker: Ed Koch

January 29, 1997

• Being wet: cats:: Thanksgiving: Kate Moss
• Mason jar: lid:: Sam Donaldson: freaky toupee
• Oil: water:: wearing a Cheesehead: an active sex life
• Einstein: "E = MC squared":: Keanu Reeves: "Fire hot."
• Fuse: explosion:: Taco Bell's Burrito Supreme: explosion
• Bill Clinton: address at inaugural:: Mike Dukakis: address unknown
• Jerry McGuire: "Show me the money!":: Tonight's disappointed studio audience: "Show me the funny!"
• Seeing a good doctor regularly: having a long life:: seeing Max's unlicensed Mexican "doctor": having a long penis
• Tiger Woods: golf:: Carl "Oldy" Olson: Hungry Hungry Hippos
• Teenagers: hacky sack:: Dennis Rodman: camera man's sack

September 10, 1997

• Rust: metal:: termites: Al Gore
• Apollo astronaut: "One small step for man...":: Mir cosmonaut: "Hey, grab that rat, I'm starving!"
• Coal dust: gets all over miners:: Michael Kennedy: gets all over minors
• Hanes employee #47: crotch inspector:: Paula Jones: crotch rejector
• Steve Martin: Father of the Bride:: Sun Yi: bride of the father
• Chelsea Clinton: can't wait to meet her college roommates:: Bill Clinton: can't wait to meet her college roommates
• 10th high school reunion: "Everybody still looks good.":: Fleetwood Mac reunion: "Hey, isn't that Stevie Nicks with the long white beard?"
• Airline customers: hoping for new lower fares:: Hanson: hoping for new lower hairs
• Muhammad Ali: Cassius Clay:: Max Weinberg: Shecky Feinblatt

November 4, 1997

• Foursomes: golf:: threesomes: Marv Albert
• Horrible weather: El Nino:: horrible music: El Tesh-o
• Richard Gere: "Free Tibet!":: Luciano Pavarotti: "Bring back the McRib!"
• Hamlet: "To be or not to me":: Jenny McCarthy: "(Burp!)"
• The Simpsons: groundbreaking comedy:: this show: wind-breaking comedy
• Michael Jordan: foul shooting:: Michael Jordan cologne: foul smelling
• Paul McCartney: hasn't touched meat in 25 years:: Ellen DeGeneres: hasn't touched meat in 25 years
• White House Oval Office: Chinese Premier: White House screening room: porno movie premiere
• Late Night: Conan O'Brien:: Later: Meyer Schmeckman
• Richard Nixon: crooked President who followed Johnson:: Bill Clinton: current President with crooked johnson

January 16, 1998

• Oprah Winfrey: Book of the Month Club:: Marlon Brando: Ham of the Month Club
• Bill Clinton: Sharon Stone:: Buddy, the White House dog: a stranger's leg
• Average American husband: jewelry store:: Woody Allen: Toys R Us
• Highest population density: Tokyo:: lowest population density: theaters where The Postman is showing
• Fonzie: "Ayyy!":: Ellen DeGeneres: "Gaaay!"
• The night sky: comet showers:: New Year's Eve in Times Square: vomit showers
• Women spotting Garth Brooks: "Can I have your autograph?":: women spotting Max Weinberg: "That's him, officer."
• Rosie O'Donnell: Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Barbara Streisand:: Conan O'Brien: Al Roker, Al Roker, and Al Roker
• Jerry Seinfeld leaving NBC: "I want to explore new projects.":: Conan O'Brien leaving NBC: "Do you want fries with that?"
• Current hit movie: sinking of huge vessel into icy sea:: current hit home video: sinking of huge vessel into Pamela Lee

March 3, 1998

• Paul Newman: salad dressing:: Robert Downey Jr.: license plates
• Axe: tree:: chair: a guest on Jerry Springer
• Mark Messier leaving New York: heartbroken Rangers fans:: Max Weinberg leaving New York: parole violation
• Tiger Woods addressing college seniors: "Don't give up on your dreams.":: Andy Richter addressing college seniors: "Don't mix beer and scotch."
• Linda Tripp: secretly tapes on her phone:: Sam Donaldson: secretly tapes on his hair
• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno: "My first guest has made many Oscar-winning films.":: Late Night With Conan O'Brien: "My first guest has made a boat out of aluminum foil."
• U.S. men's hockey team: choked:: Canadian snowboard team: toked
• Hulk Hogan: contestant in no-holds-barred cage match:: Janet Reno: winner in no-holds-barred cage match
• Celine Dion: overblown hits:: Paula Cole: overgrown tits
• Mary Steenburgen: has sex with Danson:: Michael Jackson: wants sex with Hanson
• Oprah Winfrey: beef defendant:: Marlon Brando: beef-dependent
• Lipinski: "I'm walking on air.":: Lewinsky: "Let go of my hair!"

April 21, 1998

• Party Of Five: Neve Campbell:: Party Of One: George Michael
• The Middle Ages: being stretched on the rack:: the present: hearing Celine Dion's Titanic song
• Shea Stadium: "Let's go, Mets!":: Yankee Stadium: "Son of a bitch, there's a steel beam in my skull!"
• Matt Damon: "acting first, writing second":: Keanu Reeves: "socks first, shoes second"
• Oprah Winfrey: "My next guest has a Pulitzer prize.":: Jerry Springer: "My next guess has two black eyes."
• Magellan: killed at sea:: Dr. Kevorkian: killed Aunt Bee
• Jerry Seinfeld: the way he's going off the air is a well-guarded secret:: Conan O'Brien: the way he's staying on the air is a well-guarded secret
• Bill Clinton, 1992: "I feel your pain.":: Bill Clinton, 1998: "I feel a burning sensation when I urinate."
• Tommy Lee in video: boat sex with Pam:: Tommy Lee in prison: butt sex with Stan

September 18, 1998

• India: Kama Sutra:: United States: Starr Report
• Penicillin: syphilis:: the Emmy telecast: insomnia
• Ancient Egypt: seven years of famine:: United States: five years of Conan
• FDR: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.":: President Clinton: "We have nothing to fear but the crabs."
• Mark McGwire: testosterone user:: Janet Reno: testosterone donor
• Broadway dancer on stage: footloose and fancy free:: Tommy Lee out of prison: footlong and fancy free
• Sammy Sosa: might hit 70:: Marlon Brando: might hit 370
• Mark McGwire's son: provides his dad with inspiration:: Max Weinberg's son: provides his dad with an alibi
• President Kennedy: sent astronauts into vast uncharted space:: President Clinton: sent cigars into vast uncharted space

October 27, 1998

• Fly in the soup: ruining a meal for Martha Stewart:: wax buildup: ruining a meal for Mike Tyson
• Average college girl answering phone: "It's for you, it's my boyfriend.":: Chelsea Clinton answering phone: "It's for you, it's my dad."
• San Diego Padres: swept in four:: Andy Richter: slept till four
• John Glenn, 1960: had the right stuff:: John Glenn, 1998: had the rice pudding
• Nixon: used White House inappropriately:: Clinton: used White Owl inappropriately
• Leonardo DiCaprio at a nightclub: "Oh my God, Leo's here!":: Conan O'Brien at a nightclub: "Who's that freak in the speedo?"
• Scottie Pippin scores: assist by Michael Jordan:: Bill Clinton scores: assist by Vernon Jordan
• Luciano Pavarotti: big plate of pasta:: Calista Flockhart: big plate of pasta and a bucket
• Oprah's book club: How Stella Got Her Groove Back by Terry McMillan:: Max Weinberg's book club: Helga's Horny Barnyard by Anonymous

February 2, 1999

• Captain Picard: "Full speed ahead!":: Captain Kirk: "What's that on my head?"
• Barbara Walters: used to date senator John Warner:: Carbon-14: used to date senator Strom Thurmond
• Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio: glowing hunks:: Calista Flockhart: blowing chunks
• Punxsutawney Phil: sometimes sees own shadow:: Janet Reno: sometimes sees own five o'clock shadow
• Bill Clinton: Senate Republicans not strong enough to take him out of office:: Ted Kennedy: Senate Republicans not strong enough to get him out of chair
• Tom Hanks at his high school reunion: "We're so proud of you, Tom.":: Conan O'Brien at his high school reunion: "Wedgie time, dork boy!"
• Garter snake: "Wow, that was delicious.":: Richard Gere: "Ooh, that tickles!"
• Reagan's legacy: ended Cold War:: Clinton's legacy: tended cold sore
• John Elway: dreams of a three-peat:: Richard Simmons: dreams of three Petes

March 23, 1999

• Sean Penn: "Hey, buddy, stop looking at my wife!":: George Michael: "Hey, buddy, stop looking at my hand!"
• Y2K: millenial bug:: Sam Donaldson: perennial rug
• Tinky Winky rumor: might be gay:: Tinky Winky fact: likes to be peed on
• Mark McGwire's dad:: "That's my boy.":: Conan O'Brien's dad: "That's my fault."
• Cruel Intentions: remake of Les Liasons Dangereuses:: Kevin Costner's new movie: remake of Le Film Terrible
• Elia Kazan: named names at McCarthy hearing:: Conan O'Brien: named names at Star Trek trivia contest
• Max Weinberg: temporary replacement James Wormworth:: Andy Richter: permanent replacement Troy Driscoll
• Monica's new mission: exorcising her demons:: Monica's old mission: extracting the semen

June 8, 1999

• Joyce's Finnigan's Wake: literary scholars:: Seuss' Yertle The Turtle: Keanu Reeves
• Hillary Clinton in 2001: "Welcome to the senate, Mrs. Clinton.":: Bill Clinton in 2001: "Welcome to Hooters, dude."
• Star Wars: "May the force be with you.":: Star Jones: "May I have another glazed ham?"
• Britney Spears, March 1999: got driver's license:: Britney Spears, April 1999: got huge fake boob license
• Nightmare experience for new recruits: boot camp:: nightmare experience for MTV viewers: Jesse Camp
• Onions: uncontrollable crying:: Jar Jar Binks: uncontrollable urge to shout "You suck!"
• Ricky Martin: livin' la vida loca:: Conan O'Brien: telling the bad-a joke-a
• Bruce Springsteen and most of the E Street Band in France: Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Champs Elysees:: Max Weinberg in France: Le Cafe Jailbait
• Susan Lucci: finally got an Emmy:: Bob Dole: finally got a semi

September 29, 1999

• Clark Kent: Superman:: John Tesh: Bigfoot
• Texas: "Remember the Alamo.":: Steven Seagal: "Remember the alphabet."
• Women's track coach: "Go past her!":: Kathie Lee Gifford: "Sew faster!"
• Rams leave LA: millions left without a team:: Dan Quayle leaves presidential race: dozens left without a candidate
• Backstreet Boys, 1999: "I want it that way.":: Backstreet Boys, 2001: "Produce is that way."
• Saturday Night Live reunion: "Look at all the celebrities.":: Late Night With Conan reunion: "Look at all the moles on Abe Vigoda's back."
• Genie: bottle:: Ricky Martin: closet
• Tommy Lee: "Check out my huge penis.":: Conan O'Brien: "Check out all the moles on Abe Vigoda's back."
• Child of a typical father: "Daddy spends too much time at work": child of Michael Jackson: "Daddy spends too much time rolling naked in the bones of the Elephant Man."
• Spring skiing in Colorado: highs in the 70's with tons of snow: George W. Bush: high in the 70's with tons of blow

January 12, 2000

• President Ronald Reagan: First Lady Nancy Reagan:: President Donald Trump: First lady Bambi Bazooms (And yes, this was made before Trump's actual presidency, he was just a candidate in 2000)
• Band-aid: huge sucking chest wound:: plastic surgery: Linda Tripp
• David Crosby: helping two lesbians fulfill lifelong dream:: Bill Clinton: watching two lesbians is lifelong dream
• Regis: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?:: Kathie Lee: Who Wants To Sew Without Food Or Ventilation?
• Dominoes Pizza: delivers in less than 30 minutes:: Boris Yeltsin: his liver has less than 30 minutes
• January 12, 1999: Hillary's first time on Letterman:: September 9, 1983: Hillary's last time on Bill
• George W. Bush in 2000: beats McCain and leads the pack:: George W. Bush in 1978: Snorts cocaine off hooker's back
• Conan O'Brien: tanned:: Ricky Martin: straight
• Wheaties endorsers: must be great runners:: Jenny Craig endorsers: must give great hummers

February 22, 2000

• Shaquille O'Neal: needs oversized sneakers:: David Crosby: needs oversized beakers
• Franklin D. Roosevelt: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.":: George W. Bush: "Who's Franklin D. Roosevelt?"
• Deion Sanders: pretty good at baseball, very good at football:: most of the NFL: pretty good at football, very good at murdering people
• Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: "Yes, that's my final answer.":: Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire: "Yes, I'd like to spend my life with a violent weirdo."
• DiCaprio: makeup king:: Brando: takeout king
• Typical baby: "Mama, dada.":: Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas' baby: "Mama, - hey, what's with the old dude?"
• John McCain, 1973: Viet Cong:: Al Gore, 1973: giant bong
• Le Cirque: four star restaurant:: Taco Bell: four star diarrhea
• Siegfried and Roy: "We play with tigers.":: Siegfried and Roy: "Oh, and we also play with each other."
• Letterman after surgery: significantly bigger ratings:: Conan after surgery: significantly bigger breasts
• John Rocker: must stand on rubber on mound or team is penalized:: John's Rockers dad: didn't use rubber with wife, whole world is penalized

April 13, 2000

• Oxygen: humans:: argon: Tesh
• Billy Joel: just sold Hamptons house for $30 million:: MC Hammer: just sold genie pants for $20
• Franklin Roosevelt: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.":: Rudy Giuliani: "We have nothing to fear; the suspect who has shoplifted a Jolly Rancher has been shot and killed."
• Al Gore: "Elian Gonzalez should stay.":: George W. Bush: "Elian Gonzalez...doesn't he play for the Cubs?"
• Cuba: president's beard runs down to his chest:: America: president's beard runs for senate in New York
• Mark Wahlberg: has to remind people not to call him Marky Mark:: Donnie Wahlberg: has to take bus to get to worky work
• Emeril: Bam!:: Oprah: Ham!
• Elian's dad: "I want my son back!":: Conan's dad: "Tell him we moved three years ago."
• Dying man in jungle: "Get this bloodsucking viper off my neck!":: Regis Philbin: "Hey, Kathie Lee, when's your last day?"
• New York Knicks: grab loose balls and come from behind:: Richard Simmons: We're going to take a quick commercial break. We'll be right back with Hugh Hefner.

May 16, 2000

• Lyme disease: deer ticks:: headaches and nausea: Kathie Lee Gifford
• 90210 plot in 1993: Will Dylan choose Kelly or Brenda:: 90210 plot in 2000: Will Dylan choose Metamucil or Fibercon
• 1453: after the misery of the 100 Years War, the French finally expel despised English occupation force:: 2000: New Yorkers say goodbye to Cats
• Al Gore: can't figure out why rank and file democrats aren't excited about his candidacy:: George W. Bush: can't figure out belt buckles
• Rick Rockwell doesn't see Darva Conger naked: spends thousands of lavish honeymoon:: Rick Rockwell does see Darva Conger naked: spends four bucks at the 7-11
• Philippines: I love you virus:: Vietnam: me love you long time virus
• Typical father on Mother's Day: "Happy Mother's Day, honey.":: Max Weinberg on Mother's Day: "Try provin' it's mine!"
• Notre Dame: "Win one for the Gipper":: Indiana University: "Win one for the freakin' psycho"
• Baby: "Look, daddy, I made poo-poo.":: John Travolta: "I'm very proud of Battlefield Earth".
• Janet Reno: extracted a Cuban:: Bill Clinton: inserted a Cuban
• Tony Bennett: "I heard my heart in San Francisco":: Siegfried: "I lost my ring in Roy. Thanks, Crisco!"

July 12, 2000

• Ancient sarcophagus: perfectly preserved mummy:: fancy English mansion: Keith Richards
• Mike Tyson: threatens to eat children:: Kathie Lee Gifford: eats children
• Scientists: "The human genome map will help us wipe out diseases like cancer and diabetes.":: Bill Clinton: "Woohoo! No more clap!"
• 42 million: opening weekend box office estimate for Scary Movie:: 46 million: US Census estimate of number of Wayans brothers
• Lance Armstrong: good bet to win Tour de France:: Luciano Pavarotti: good bet to splitta da pants
• Kids: love Harry Potter: Max Weinberg: loves Harry Hamlin
• Al Michaels on Monday Night Football: "A perfect catch by Jerry Rice!":: Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football: "Hey, Karl Marx, why not back off your harpsicord and use your antedivulian brainpan to download a box of Ring Dings, cha cha!"
• Mortals: can't live forever:: Bob Hope: can't wait to see what ice cream tastes like in the year 4000
• Monica Lewinsky, 2000: uses internet site to push handbags:: Monica Lewinsky, 1997: used fishnet bra to push up funbags

April 10, 2001

• Chinese president Jiang Zemin: upset over problem of spy plane:: U.S. president George W. Bush: confused over ending of Spy Kids
• Survivor: "Outwit, outplay, outlast.":: XFL: "Outfumble, outbore, outsuck."
• Jay Leno: "My next guest is an Oscar Winner.":: Conan O'Brien: "My next guest can eat 15 Oscar Meyer wieners."
• Frank Sinatra: Ol' Blue Eyes:: Dick Cheney: Ol' Blue Face
• Winston Churchill: "I have nothing to offer but blood, tears, toil, and sweat.":: Michael Bolton: "I have nothing to offer but...let's face it, I have nothing to offer."
• Puff Daddy: everyone's entitled to presumption of innocence:: P. Diddy: everyone's entitled to two stupid names
• Typical answering machine message: "Please leave your name and phone number.":: Max Weinberg's answering machine message: "Please leave your age and room number."
• George Hamilton: "I tan very easily.":: Conan O'Brien: "Shut those drapes, I'm on fire."
• President Clinton in Washington: "Let's build a bridge to the 21st century.":: President Clinton in Harlem: "Once you go black, you never go back."
• The Masters: Tiger wins with a long putt:: Siegfried and Roy's house: tiger limps with a sore butt

May 15, 2001

• George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie.":: George W. Bush: "I cannot tell time."
• Rome: Died out due to economic mismanagement and a decline of military might:: NBC: XFL
• Timothy McVeigh: new FBI documents will prove he's not guilty:: Marlon Brando: new bathroom scale will prove he's not fat
• The Beatles: "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.":: Eminem: "Do me, bitch."
• Anne Robinson: "You are the weakest link; goodbye.":: Dick Cheney: "I shouldn't have had that last sausage link; goodbye."
• Tom Hanks walking into Oscars: "Oh my God, it's Tom Hanks!":: Conan O'Brien walking into Oscars: "Oh my God, it's Ralph Malph from Happy Days!"
• Rerelease of Apocalypse Now: 50 minutes of additional scenes:: rerelease of Battlefield Earth: 50 minutes of additional suck
• Rich executive: paid $20 million to ride Russian spacecraft:: Max Weinberg: paid $20 to ride on Russian hooker
• Puff Daddy: "We find him not guilty.":: P. Diddy: "We find him incredibly stupid."
• Shaq and Kobe: "Bring on the Spurs.":: Siegfried and Roy: "Bring the spurs, whips, and buttless chaps.

June 19, 2001

• Nathan Hale's last words: "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.":: George W. Bush's last words: "This blender's gonna make my bath all bubbly."
• Angelina Jolie: Tomb Raider:: Keith Richards: tomb resident
• Anne Heche: Was straight, then was gay, now is straight again:: Siegfried and Roy: were gay, then were gayer, now are very, very, very gay, and live with tigers
• President Bush: "I'm going to hammer out an agreement with the Russians.":: Jenna Bush: "I'm going to get hammered on Black Russians."

July 17, 2001

• Albert Einstein: E = MC squared:: George W. Bush: E = Entertainment Television
• The movie Final Fantasy before the release: there are no people in the movie:: the movie Final Fantasy after the release: there are no people in the theater
• Oprah: appears on every cover of O:: Conan O'Brien: appears on every cower of EEEW
• Fossil in ice: discovered by paleontologists:: fossil in bed: discovered by Catherine Zeta-Jones
• Britney Spears: 115 pounds of energy:: Christina Aguilera: 115 pounds of clown whore makeup
• Allen Iverson: dribbles ball down court, throws up three point shot at buzzer:: Jenna Bush: dribbles tequila down dress, throws up three bean burrito at Chi-Chi's
• Lizzie Grubman: backs into crowd screaming "f**k you, white trash!":: Siegfried and Roy: back into cage screaming "f**k me, white tiger!"
• Playboy magazine's Hugh Hefner: sleeps with seven girlfriends:: Conan O'Brien: sleeps with seven Playboy magazines
• Bob Dylan: "The times, they are a changing.":: Puff Daddy: "My songs, they are a stolen."
• Funny coincidence: Tom Cruise dating Penelope Cruz:: disturbing coincidence: Max Weinberg dating Max Weinberg

September 4, 2001

• Abraham Lincoln: "Four scores and seven years ago...":: George W. Bush: "When the big hand was on the three..."
• Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina: one pitch away from a perfect game:: Frank Gifford: one bitch away from a perfect life
• Conan O'Brien: freshens up show with new set:: janitor: freshens up urinal with new cake
• Michael Jordan: retirement disappoints basketball fans:: Jess Helms: retirement disappoints Ku Klux Klan
• Schoolchild: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.":: Tom Brokaw: "Rwandan refugees ran rapidly over rocky roads."
• Winslow Homer: famous for painting oceans and shores:: Christina Aguilera: famous for painting her face like a whore
• Totally hot celebrity couple: Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz:: totally disturbing celebrity couple: Conan O'Brien and Pat O'Brien
• President Bush: "I want to spend a month in Crawford, Texas.":: President Clinton: "I want to spend a month in Cindy Crawford."
• Gary Condit's interview with Connie Chung: "This will save my career.":: Charles Manson's parole hearing: "This will prove I'm Jesus."
• Little League pitcher Danny Almonte: "I lied, I'm really 14.":: Max Weinberg: "I lied, she's really 14."

October 2, 2001

• Ellen DeGeneres: "I can't wait to do a new sitcom.":: Anne Heche: "I can't wait to returns to the alien mothership."
• Neil Armstrong: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.":: Luciano Pavarotti: "Eight glazed hams for me, nine giant cows for me too."
• Tecumseh: Shawnee in war paint:: Christina Aguilera: banshee in whore paint
• Angry Americans: "Let's send troops to Afghanistan!":: really angry Americans: "Let's send the movie Glitter to Afghanistan!"
• Emeril's TV Food Network show: seasoned to perfection:: Emeril's NBC sitcom: season's first rejection
• The song American Pie: "This will be that day that I die.":: the movie American Pie: "This will the day that I put my penis through a pastry."
• Secretary of State Colin Powell: joining with Russian forces to overthrow Taliban:: Late Night announcer Joel Goddard: joining with Russian vodka to overthrow central nervous system
• Humphrey Bogart: "Here's looking at you, kid.":: Michael Jackson: "Here's three thousand bucks, can I look at your kid?"
• Children's rhyme: "Catch a tiger by the toe.":: Siegfried and Roy: "That's it, tiger, nice and slow."

November 13, 2001

• Placido Domingo: one third of the Three Tenors:: Luciano Pavarotti: one third of the Earth's surface
• Dream come true for bio-terrorists: the US mail:: dream come true for Richard Simmons: the US male
• Madonna's biography: hundreds of men bedded:: Conan's biography: hundreds of beds wetted
• Michael Jordan. 1991: playing like Magic Johnson:: Michael Jordan, 2001: playing like Lyndon Johnson
• Journalists visiting Bin Laden: blindfolded, don't know where they are:: celebrities visiting Conan O'Brien: dumbfounded, don't know who he is
• Ancient Egypt: the mystery of the Sphinx:: modern day America: the mystery of why Tony Danza keeps getting his own TV show
• Liz Hurley: expecting first child:: Michael Jackson: expecting first dibs
• CNN Headline News: "You give us 22 minutes, we'll give you the world.":: Max Weinberg: "You give me 22 seconds, I'll give you the clap.

January 1, 2002

• The Rolling Stones, 1969: "You can't always get what you want.":: The Rolling Stones, 2002: "We can't always chew what we eat."
• Man America hates in Iraq: Saddam Hussein:: man America hates in Afghanistan: Geraldo Rivera
• George W. Bush: excited about 86% approval rating:: George Bush Sr.: excited that George W. understands percentages
• Will Smith: beefed up to play Muhammad Ali:: Lara Flynn: beefed up to play Olive Oyl
• Frank Sinatra on Tony Bennett: "He's the best damn singer in the business.":: Siegfried on Roy: "Am I hurting you?"

March 5, 2002

• Kenneth Lay in a board meeting: "Oh no, our stock dropped!":: Kenneth Lay in prison: "Oh no, my soap dropped!"
• Alicia Keys: cleaned up at the Grammys:: MC Hammer: actually cleaned up at the Grammys
• Ted Koppel: may lose show to Letterman:: Conan O'Brien: may lose show to food dehydrator infomercial
• Sarah Hughes: unexpected first place:: Greta Van Susteren: unexpected second face
• Rosie O'Donell: reveals she's gay:: Rosie Perez: reveals she's Puerto Rican
• Winston Churchill: "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the hills, we will never surrender.":: Mike Tyson: "I will bite them on the feet, I will bite them on the ear, I will always be crazy."
• Jennifer Lopez's nickname: J-Lo:: Conan O'Brien's nickname: Ol' Soggy Mattress
• Amy Fisher: angry about being barred from participating in Fox's Celebrity Boxing:: Mary Jo Buttafuoco: angry about being shot in the head
• Sheryl Crow: lost 20 pounds using low-fat diet and aerobics classes:: Christina Aguilera: lost 20 pounds using makeup remover and squeegee
• Sex comedy starring Josh Hartnett: 40 Days and 40 Nights:: Sex documentary starring Richard Simmons: 40 Rays and 40 Mikes

April 19, 2002

• Justin Timberlake: considering solo career:: Joey Fatone: considering another Filet-O-Fish sandwich
• NBC for Hispanic viewers: Telemundo:: Conan for Hispanic viewers: Telenerdo
• The Dell computer guy, 2002: "Dude, you're getting a Dell.":: The Dell computer guy, 2003: "Dude, I was the Dell dude."
• Pope's concern: stop the killings in the Middle East:: Pope's bigger concern: stop the cravings of some Catholic priests
• Ringo Starr stepping out of a limo: "Oh my God, it's Ringo!":: Max Weinberg stepping out of a limo: "Oh my God, he's naked!"
• Hyperbolic curve: not exactly straight:: Liza Minelli's husband: not exactly straight
• George W. Bush: desperate to drill into the frozen tundra of Alaska:: Bill Clinton: just heard of tundra, wants some
• Robert Blake, 1967: In Cold Blood:: Robert Blake, 2002: in deep sh**
• Fighting a worldwide campaign of terror: the United States trouncing Al-Qaeda:: launching a worldwide campaign of terror: Celine Dion announcing her new tour
• Enron executives, 1999: "Our assets will soar!":: Enron executives, 2003: "Our asses are sore."

May 21, 2002

• Advice to child: "Don't run with scissors.":: advice to adult: "Don't run with Al Gore."
• Mike Tyson: famous even though he's a public menace:: Anna Kournikova: famous even though she sucks at tennis
• Increase in ratings for Friends: more romantic cliffhangers:: increase in ratings for Late Night With Conan O'Brien: more prison inmates
• Colin Powell: close to settling the conflict in the Middle East:: Calista Flockhart: close to finishing the TGI Fridays barbecue beef platter
• PT Barnum: displayed freaks and oddities for profit:: Liza Minelli: recently published wedding photos
• Anakin Skywalker: grew up to become Darth Vader:: Martha Stewart: grew up to become Martha Stewart
• Michael Jackson: borrowed a lot of his moves from James Brown:: a Catholic priest: borrowed a lot of his moves from Michael Jackson
• Anne Robinson, 2001: "You are the weakest link; goodbye.":: Anne Robinson, 2002: "Welcome to Taco Bell, try our Bacon Gordita, it's a good buy."
• LA police: carefully studying Robert Blake's motives:: Frank Gifford: carefully studying Robert Blake's methods
• Feared in some parts of the world: comeback of smallpox:: feared in all parts of the world: comeback of Celine Dion
• Spiderman: does whatever a spider can:: Max Weinberg: does whoever he meets in the can

June 26, 2002

• Martha Stewart, 2001: making centerpiece to impress guests:: Martha Stewart, 2002: making license plates to impress guards
• 12 or fewer: items in supermarket express lane:: 12 or younger: item's in R. Kelly's limo
• Bush's mouth: "Palestinians need new leaders and must institute democratic reforms.":: Bush's brain: "What happened to Crystal Pepsi?"
• 90 minutes with no once scoring: a World Cup soccer match:: 90 months with no one scoring: Conan as a teenager
• Al Qaeda forces: regrouping in Pakistan, plotting attacks:: Hall and Oates: regrouping in Hall's van, plotting new album
• Arizona: intense burning threatens wildlife:: Max Weinberg: intense burning threatens sex life
• Chinese food: full of soy sauce:: Siegfried: full of Roy sauce
  • (That was allegedly the 100th Siegfried and Roy SAT analogy, prompting James Lipton to perform a salute to them)

August 15, 2002

• Vin Diesel: Triple X:: Anna Nicole Smith: Triple XL
• Dwight D. Eisenhower: fights Nazis with successful invasion:: George W. Bush: fights Saddam with month-long vacation
• Nicolas Cage movie: Gone in 60 Seconds:: Nicolas Cage marriage: gone in 60 seconds
• Toby Robbins: big, huge freak worth millions:: Conan O'Brien: big, huge freak
• Mel Gibson: guards family from circles in crops:: Winona Ryder: guards circle her in famous shops
• Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll:: 25th anniversary of his death:: Michael Jackson, the king of pop: 25th anniversary of first nose job, skin lightening, chin reconstruction, and llama seduction
• Martha Stewart, 2001: proud of her line of hand-crafted dinner plates:: Martha Stewart, 2003: proud of her line of hand-crafted license plates
• Baseball players: threatening work stoppage:: David Arquette: threating no work stoppage
• Max Weinberg: currently touring with the biggest rock and roll act of the summer surrounded by adoring fans and sexy groupies:: Conan O'Brien: currently sitting behind a desk reading SAT analogies
• Tiger Woods: eying his 9th major:: R. Kelly: eying his 9th minor
• Batman: Robin:: Conan: Lil' Guillermo

September 6, 2002

• Signal to evacuate school building: fire alarm:: signal to evacuate movie theater: now showing Pluto Nash
• George W. Bush: wants to drop bombs on Iraq:: Jenna Bush: wants to get bombed on Zima
• Justin Guarini, 2002: appearing on Fox's American Idol:: Justin Guarini, 2007: appearing on Fox's Celebrity Boxing
• Tony Soprano: made man:: Cher: man-made
• Girls watching Jimmy Fallon hosting Video Music Awards: "Oh my God! Jimmy Fallon is so cute!":: Girls watching Conan O'Brien host the Emmys: "Oh my God! Jimmy Fallon was so cute at the Video Music Awards!"
• Crazy: stalking Serena Williams:: lazy: stalking Ted Williams
• Martha Stewart, 2001: "I'm going to show you how to make a stitch.":: Martha Stewart, 2003: "Oh my God, someone's made me their bitch."
• End of summer for kids: back to school:: end of summer for adults: we don't get to "go back" to anything - it's the same dreary crap day in and day out until death graciously awards us with eternal sleep
• Boston archdiocese sex abuse settlement: 10 million dollars:: Michael Jackson: didn't realize there were discount rates in Boston
• Pinata: a candy-filled treat for children:: Anna Nicole Smith: a Quaalude-filled treat for America
• Big Mac without the cheese: 20% less fat:: N*Sync without Justin Timberlake: 80% less gay

October 9, 2002

• NutraSweet: sugar substitute:: N*Sync: talent substitute
• The U.N.: demands that inspectors be allowed into Iraq:: Bill Clinton: demands that he be allowed to inspect someone's rack
• L.A. dockworkers: ordered back to work by President Bush:: MC Hammer: ordered back to work by 16-year-old Denny's assistant manager
• Rosie O'Donnell: controversial new image alienates entire fan base:: Conan O'Brien: stylish new Ford Echo seats entire fan base
• Elvis Presley: Jailhouse Rock:: Martha Stewart: jailhouse wok
• The Rolling Stones, 1965: "Hey you, get off of my cloud.":: The Rolling Stones, 2002: "Hey punk, get off of my lawn!"
• Emma: name of Rachel's baby on Friends:: Helga: name of Max Weinberg online
• James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, and Elvis: American idols who will live forever in our memory:: Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini, and Nikki McKibbin: American Idol contestants who will live forever...wait, which one was Nikki?
• Hannibal Lecter: punished for eating men:: Daryl Hall: still unpunished for singing Maneater
• Last day of October: when children apply frightening makeup:: every day of the year: when Christina Aguilera applies frightening makeup
• Quiet Riot: Cum On Feel The Noize:: Siegfried and Roy: "Cum on, feel the Royz"

December 12, 2002

• Winston Churchill: "This was England's finest hour.":: George W. Bush: "That was Hee Haw's finest episode."
• Lifespan of a tortoise: 150 years:: lifespan of a housefly: Ben and J-Lo's marriage
• Rock groupie: "I'm with the band.":: Trent Lott groupie: "I'm with the Klan."
• You'll never see a woman in their locker room: Augusta National Golf Club:: you'll never see a woman in their bedroom: Siegfried and Roy
• Orson Welles: Directed and starred in MacBeth:: Anna Nicole Smith: ordered and devoured McRib
• New York's Mayor Bloomberg: putting an end to public smoking:: Late Night's Conan O'Brien: putting an end to funny joking
• Yao Ming: basketball sensation from China:: Bill Clinton: burning sensation from Thailand
• Bruce Springsteen: 4-hour concerts while the crowd has a blast:: Axl Rose: 4-hour riot while he sits on his ass
• Achilles' heel: only vulnerable part on mythological Greek:: Michael Jackson's nose: only natural part on pathological freak
• Nobody rides: possible New York transit strike:: everybody rides: Christina Aguilera

February 4, 2003

• Daredevil: name of Affleck's upcoming movie:: The Flash: the length of Affleck's upcoming marriage
• Diana Ross then: backed up by the Supremes:: Diana Ross now: backed up into a telephone pole
• The fifth Harry Potter book: will come out in the Spring:: the five members of N*Sync: will come out in the Spring
• Leonardo DiCaprio: worked with Scorscese and Spielberg in the same year:: Conan O'Brien: interviewed Roker and Fabio in the same show
• Colin Powell: main goal is to convince U.N. quickly:: George W. Bush: main goal is to spell U.N. correctly
• Tiger Woods rumor: he sleeps with his favorite putter:: David Gest rumor: he sleeps with his favorite driver
• Kangaroo Jack: "He stole the money and he's not giving it back.":: theatre goer: "I saw the movie and I want my money back."
• Great Britain: prepared to back President Bush in military action:: France: still hoping for President Jerry Lewis
• Michael Jackson, 1982: spends hours recording "Billie Jean":: Michael Jackson, 2003: spends hours sniffing Billy's jeans
• Explores the mind of Virginia Wolf: The Hours: explores the mind of Anna Nicole Smith: the millisecond
• Groundhog: pops out of hole to see his shadow:: Siegfried: pops out of Roy to answer the phone

February 26, 2003

• Saddam Hussain: "We have no chemical weapons.":: Melissa Rivers: "I'm a celebrity."
• Ben Affleck: in #1 movie for impressive three weeks in a row:: Jennifer Lopez: in #3 engagement for impressive twelve weeks in a row
• Norah Jones: sweeps Grammys:: Axl Rose: sweeps Denny's
• Britney Spears: seen snorting coke:: Pavarotti: seen snorting cake
• Germany: "We see no reason to fight.":: France: "We see no reason to bathe."
• Moldy bread: yucky loaf:: Evan Marriott: lucky oath
• Bruce Springsteen walking into Grammys: "Bruuuuuuce!":: Max Weinberg walking into Grammys: "Who's that guy with Bruuuuuuce?"
• Daredevil: blind hunk fights crime:: Late Night: bland host wastes time
• Dixie Chicks: went home with four Grammys:: Christina Aguilera: went home with four sailors
• Julius Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered.":: Max Weinberg: "I came, I paid, she left."
• Technotronic's advice for a great party: "Pump up the jams!":: Michael Jackson's advice for a great party: "Pull off the jammies!"

April 11, 2003

• What Centcom is: US Central Command:: what President Bush thinks Centcom is: a website for ordering pennies
• Dixie Chicks: music fans burn their records after hearing anti-Bush comments:: N*Sync: music fans burn their records after hearing their records
• Not welcome in Iraq: Geraldo:: not welcome in America: Geraldo
• Alexander the Great: wept because he had no more worlds to conquer:: Louie Anderson: wept because Denny's discontinued the Moons Over My Hammy special
• This year's winter: it seems like it's just never going to end:: Celine Dion's career: this winter isn't so bad after all
• Baseball season: just getting underway:: Richard Simmons: just getting under Ray
• Reasons not to go to Hong Kong: SARS:: reasons not to sleep with our announcer Joel Goddard: sores
• Reporter Chip Reid: embedded with US troops:: Michael Jackson: embedded with Cub Scout troops
• Vin Diesel: plays an action hero in his latest movie:: Conan O'Brien: plays an action hero in his Spiderman pajamas
• Conan O'Brien's: shampoo: Alberto VO5:: Ted Danson's shampoo: Carpet Fresh
• Ted Danson: played supporting role in Saving Private Ryan:: Conan O'Brien: owns director's cut of Shaving Ryan's Privates

May 13, 2003

• May 2003: NBC proudly announces 3 new comedies:: October 2003: NBC proudly announces 3 new viewers
• The Lizzie McGuire Movie: Lizzie visits Rome:: The Lizzie McGuire Pregnancy: Lizzie visits Roman Polanski
• General Custer: lost to the Indians at Little Big Horn:: William Bennett: lost to the Indians at Foxwoods Casino
• Rebecca Romjin-Stamos appearing in X-Men: Mystique:: Rebecca Romjin-Stamos appearing on Late Night With Conan O'Brien: mistake
• Saddam Hussein: horrible dictator:: Celine Dion: never killed anyone, but somehow worse than Saddam Hussein
• Hank Greenberg: hit a lot of homers in the 40's:: Max Weinberg: humps a lot of hookers in their 40's
• 12 guys who have to hide their faces: Mr. Personality:: 25 guys who have to hide their faces: the New York Mets
• Beethoven 9th: Ode To Joy:: Siegfried's fantasy: "Oh! Two Roys!"

June 10, 2003

• Martha Stewart: indicted by a grand jury:: Catherine Zeta-Jones: impregnated by a grand daddy
• 24 clowns in a car: the circus:: 25 clowns in a bus: the Mets
• Hairspray: takes home eights Tonys:: Richard Simmons: takes home four Tonys, two Steves, and a Mitch
• Roger Clemens: still a win short of 300:: J-Lo: still a husband short of 300
• Bob Hope: 100-year-old comedy legend:: Conan O'Brien: 100-year-old comedy material
• Hillary's memoirs: "I was shocked when Bill told me the truth.":: Bill's memoirs: "I was shocked when Hillary was shocked when I told her the truth."
• New racing movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious:: new Olsen twins movie: 2 Old 4 R. Kelly
• Serena Williams: easily defeats sister Venus:: Roy:: easily describes Siegfried's penis

July 8, 2003

• President Jimmy Carter in Africa: "I want to meet Nelson Mandela.":: President George W. Bush in Africa: "I want to meet Babar."
• Saddam Hussein: has a bounty on his head:: Sam Donaldson: has a bunny on his head
• Arnold in Terminator 2: "I'll be back.":: Arnold in Terminator 3: "Ow! My back."
• 2003: Supreme Court votes that gay sex "cannot be banned":: 2004: Supreme Court votes that gay sex "cannot be beat"
• Beyoncé Knowles: her new album is number one:: Justin Guarini: all his albums are number two
• Gin and lemon juice: a "Tommy Collins":: whiskey and Seconal: a "Joel Goddard"
• President Bush: has already raised 20 million dollars for his reelection campaign:: Democratic hopeful Dick Gephardt: has already maxed out his Discover card
• Superman's catchphrase: "Up, up, and away!":: Hulk's catchphrase: "Hulk look like poor man's Shrek."
• Britney Spears: lost virginity to Justin Timberlake:: N*Sync: lost virginity to Justin Timberlake

August 12, 2003

• New York Mets, 1973: "You gotta believe!":: New York Mets, 2003: "You gotta be kidding."
• Insecticide: keeps backyard free of bugs:: Gigli: keeps movie theater free of people
• Gary Coleman: praying he'll be elected California governor:: Todd Bridges: praying he'll be pardoned by governor Coleman
• Seabiscuit: ridden by a 100-pound man:: Catherine Zeta-Jones: ridden by a 100 year old man
• Episcopal church: picks first gay bishop:: Catholic church: picks first straight bishop
• President Bush: "Bring it on!":: President Clinton: "Bring your sister."
• Arnold Schwarzenegger: responsible for Rise Of The Machines:: Siegfried: responsible for rise in Roy's jeans
• Jay Leno: gets a makeover from the stars of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy:: Mike Wallace: gets a makeover from the stars of Antique Roadshow
• Mike Tyson: blew 300 million:: Richard Simmons: blew 300 mailmen

September 25, 2003

• New York Yankees: gearing up for postseason:: New York Mets: gearing up to watch Yankees postseason
• President Bush on Tuesday: excited to give speech at U.N.:: President Bush on Wednesday: excited to watch Screech on UPN
• Thor: makes thunder with mighty hammer:: Pauly Shore: makes French fries with MC Hammer
• Former governor Clinton: "Yes, I smoked pot, but I did not inhale.":: possible governor Schwarzenegger: "Yes, I had group sex, but we all chipped in for her cab."
• Stop, drop, and roll: what to do if you're on fire:: Roll, smoke, and giggle: what to do if you're in the Max Weinberg 7
• Marsupials: youngsters squirming in pouch:: Michael Jackson: youngsters squirming on couch
• Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty or give me death.":: Anna Nicole Smith: "Give me pork rinds or give me 'ludes."
• Oprah: on every cover of O magazine:: Geraldo Rivera: on every cover of Oh, What a Jackass magazine
• Britney and Madonna: shared a lewd, famed kiss on stage:: Siegfried and Roy: shared a dude named Chris backstage

October 28, 2003

• New York Yankees fan: "Don't worry, we'll get 'em next year!":: New York Mets fan: "Don't worry, the Yankees will get 'em next year!"
• David Blaine: went 44 days without eating:: the general public: went 44 days without caring
• Napoleon complex: compensating for short stature by grasping at power:: Clay Aiken complex: compensating for gay-vibe by naming your album "Measure Of A Man"
• Boston's Red Sox: Curse of the Bambino:: Boston' Conan O'Brien: Curse of the Albino
• Southern California: burning out of control: Christina Aguilera:: burning containing to one centralized area
• This Halloween weekend: little girl dressed as a princess:: every other weekend: Max Weinberg dressed as a princess
• Rush Limbaugh, 1995: "We have laws selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs...and so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be set up.:: Rush Limbaugh, 2003: "Dude, listen...I think my shoes are singing."
• Nomar Garciaparra: "I love Mia Hamm.":: Luciano Pavarotti: "I-a love-a me-a ham."
• Couldn't quite get 27th ring: New York Yankees:: couldn't quite get 28th ring: J-Lo
• Gallagher: bashes fruit:: Liza Minnelli: bashes fruit

December 10, 2003

• Howard Dean, yesterday: gained a percentile:: Joe Lieberman, yesterday: betrayed by a gentile
• New show with Meryl Streep and Al Pacino: Angels In America:: new show with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie: Skanks In Arkansas
• Ruben Studdard: waiting for album to drop:: Clay Aiken: waiting for testes to drop
• Ozzy Osbourne: nearly killed himself operating an all-terrain vehicle:: Jessica Simpson: nearly killed herself operating a shoe
• Tiger Woods: stands up to tee:: Conan O'Brien: sits down to pee
• Bullish: optimistic about the stock market:: bearish: James Gandolfini in a steam room
• Nat King Cole's Christmas Song: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire":: NBC's Christmas Fear Factor: Goat nuts rolling in a white trash mouth
• President Bush: got drugs for seniors:: Rush Limbaugh: bought drugs from sophomores
• Ruben Studdard's left brain: "I hope my latest album goes platinum.":: Ruben Studdard's right brain: "I could swallow a pig if you sanded its hooves."
• Popular toy: Tickle Me Elmo:: unpopular toy: Fondle Me Jacko

February 4, 2004

• Martha Stewart: sold ImClone after tip off:: Jacket Jackson: showed nipple after kick-off
• Howard Dean: listing all the states:: George W. Bush: learning all the states
• John Kerry: "I represent the American middle class.":: Dennis Kucinich: "I represent the Lollipop Guild."
• Tina Turner: great legs for a woman in her 60's:: Conan O'Brien: great legs for a woman in her 60's
• Beyoncé: did the national anthem:: Christina Aguilera: did the National Football League
• Democrats in 2004: "Where are the WMDs?":: Reuben Studdard in 2004: "Where are the BLTs?"
• Bruce Springsteen: Born To Run:: Max Weinberg: born to run and get coffee for Bruce Springsteen
• Justin Timberlake, 2004: grabbed Janet Jackson and exposed her breast:: Justin Timberlake, 2008: the governor of California

March 9, 2004

• John F. Kerry: "I have the same initials as John F. Kennedy.":: George W. Bush: "I have the same initials as the George Washington Bridge."
• Jesus, 1st century A.D.: reigns over Israelites:: Jesus, 21st century A.D.: reigns over Starsky and Hutch
• Fiery beast who lives on Monster Island: Mothra:: Fiery beast who lives on Rikers Island: Martha
• John Kerry's thought on the Democratic convention: hopes to be nominated:: Al Sharpton's thoughts on the Democratic convention: hopes that it's catered
• Carmen Electra and David Navarro: "'Til death do us part.":: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey: "'Til smart do us be."
• John Edwards: lost big on Super Tuesday:: Sam Donaldson: lost wig on windy Wednesday
• President Bush: plans on spending $15 billion on Mars expeditions:: Reuben Studdard: plans on spending $15 billion on Mars candy bars
• Paris, France: crammed with lovers in every nook and cranny:: Paris Hilton: aspiring actress
• Veterinarian: "Dog bites can cause rabies.":: Mel Gibson's dad: "Dog bites are caused by rabbis."
• John Kerry, 1970: received a Purple Heart while serving in the Me Kong Delta:: George W. Bush, 1970: received a purple nurple while partying with Delta Kappa Delta
• Adam Sandler project: 50 First Dates:: Michael Jackson project: 50 first graders

April 15, 2004

• John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.":: George W. Bush: "Ask not what country you for and can do, but not can do country for, um, you."
• Q-Tip: "It gets the wax out of your ears.":: Listening to Celine Dion: "I wish I didn't use that damn Q-Tip."
• Michael Jordan: Air Jordan:: Donald Trump: hair Hiroshima
• Jessica Simpson: dumb as a box of rocks:: a box of rocks: "Whoa, dude, I resent that."
• American Idol: pre-empted by presidential speech:: Late Night With Conan O'Brien: pre-empted by Herbalife infomercial
• Quentin Tarantino: Kill Bill:: Hillary Clinton: "Seriously, kill Bill."
• French Open tennis tournament: balls flying all around Paris:: partying with Hilton sister: see "French Open"
• Passion Of The Christ: powerful movie:: Scooby-Doo 2: rowerful roovie
• Rowdy frat boy: "There's a party in my pants.":: Reuben Studdard: "There's a planet in my pants."

May 19, 2004

• George Washington: "I can not tell a lie.":: George W. Bush: "I can not tie my shoe."
• Spend last month saying goodbye to Friends: NBC:: Will spend next month saying goodbye to friends: Martha Stewart
• Gwyneth Paltrow: Named her baby "Apple":: Ruben Studdard: Tried to eat Gwyneth Paltrow's baby
• 1994: "Billy Joel is at the Garden!":: 2004: "Billy Joel is in our garden!"
• Randy Johnson: "The Big Unit":: Conan O'Brien: "The Big Eunuch"
• Desperately trying to get fifteenth ring: L.A. Lakers:: Desperately trying to get sixteenth ring: J-Lo
• Clay: An object that is often used by men who then squeeze it, and then play with it in their hands until it gets hard:: Clay Aiken: talented singer
• Julie Andrews: Climb Every Mountain:: Courtney Love: barf in every fountain
• Michael Moore's new film: highlights the link between the Bush family and the Bin Ladens:: Michael Moore's new pants: hightlights the link between Michael Moore and Quizno's subs
• Makes a god-awful noise, then disappears for 17 years: cicadas:: Makes a god-awful noise, then disappears forever: Hootie and the Blowfish
• Economist: "What goes up must come down.":: Paris Hilton: "I must go down on what comes up."

July 14, 2004

• John Kerry: spent war fighting Vietcong:: George W. Bush: spend war lighting neon bong
• Fantasia Barrino: excited about new CD:: Reuben Studdard: excited about new KFC
• Maria Sharapova: won in straight sets:: Martina Narvatilova: runs from straight sex
• Former California governor Ronald Reagan: "Win one for the Gipper.":: current California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Squeeze one for the Groper."
• John Edwards: "ambulance chaser":: Dick Cheney: "ambulance rider"
• Alex Rodriguez's nickname in high school: "A-Rod":: Conan O'Brien's nickname in high school: "Gay-Wad"
• Washington Irving character: Rip Van Winkle:: John Kerry nickname: Face Van Wrinkle
• Las Vegas Hilton: can accommodate 5,000 visiting conventioneers in one weekend:: Paris Hilton: can accommodate 5,001 visiting conventioneers in one weekend
• Fahrenheit 9/11: examines the relationship between George Bush and influential Saudis:: Fahrenheit 7/11: examines the relationship between Michael Moore and microwaveable burritos
• Michael Jackson, 2004: surrounded by legal team:: Michael Jackson, 2003: surrounded by kickball team
• Spider-Man 2: made #1 in theaters:: Courtney Love: made #2 in a dumpster

August 10, 2004

• Senator John McCain: proudly speaks his own mind:: President Bush: proudly spells his own name
• Upcoming Spider-Man 2 DVD: never-before-seen footage:: upcoming Catwoman DVD: never-before-seen movie
• Former Miami Dolphin Ricky Williams: tested positive for marijuana:: marijuana: tested positive for Snoop Dogg
• Phrase that starts the Olympics: "Let the games begin!":: phrase that starts the Tony Awards: "Let the gays begin!"
• New documentary about Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster:: new documentary about Axl Rose: Some Kind Of Bus Boy
• Lindsay Lohan: "I'm 18, I just want to have fun.":: Max Weinberg: "I'm 53, I just want to have Lindsay Lohan."
• Ben Franklin: "A penny saved is a penny earned.":: Aretha Franklin: "A pie baked is a pie eaten."
• Paris, France: offered no resistance to the German Panzers:: Paris Hilton: offered no resistance to the Carolina Panthers
• John Kerry: saved a buddy's life in Vietnam:: Bill Clinton: did a buddy's wife and then his mom

September 22, 2004

• Typical bride and groom: "Til death do us part":: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: "Til we run out of Pabst and Slim Jims"
• Floridians: praying for the end of hurricane season:: New Yorkers: praying for the end of Mets season
• Sign on President Harry Truman's desk: "The buck stops here":: sign on President George W. Bush's desk: "Desk"
• Martha Stewart, 2003: Cornish hens and fresh flowers:: Martha Stewart, 2004: making friends in the group shower
• Director of Star Wars: created imaginary universe:: fans of Star Wars: create imaginary girlfriends
• Delta Airlines: will fold before the end of September:: Boston Red Sox: Conan's from Boston, he's not reading this one
• Angels of America: took home 11 Emmys on Sunday:: Ruben Studdard: took home 11 sundaes on Sunday
• Bill Clinton: "It's the economy, stupid":: John Kerry: "The subject for general debate remains the fiduciary state of our nation's individuals, corporations, and limited liability partnerships in conjunction with the fluctuation of interest rates, both variable and fixed, all of which be filtered through the prism of long-term projections vis-à-vis the rate of employment and gross national product."
• New series about major airport: LAX:: new series about a drummer masturbating in an airport men's room: MAX
• George W. Bush, 2001: "We'll hunt Osama down like a dog.":: George W. Bush, 2004: "Check it out, we got Cat Stevens!"
• Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty or give me death.":: Paris Hilton: "Give me length or give me girth."

October 19, 2004

• John Kerry and Mississippi: there's no way he can win it:: George W. Bush and Mississippi: there's no way he can spell it
• Title of new J-Lo movie: Shall We Dance?:: reaction to new J-Lo movie: "Can we leave?"
• Boston Red Sox: plagued by the Curse Of The Bambino:: New York Mets: no curse, they just suck
• George Bush: runs his campaign from the White House:: Ralph Nader: runs his campaign from a White Castle
• Bruce Springsteen: ends every concert with several encores:: Reuben Studdard: ends every dinner with several entrees
• Martha Stewart: recently started a book about prison life:: Bobby Brown: recently finished volume 28
• George W. Bush: "My tax cuts will stimulate the economy.":: John Kerry: "To stimulate the economy, we need sensible and long-overdue tax reform. And, by the way, Cheney's daughter is gay."
• Derek Jeter: best glove in the majors:: Michael Jackson: best glove in the minors

December 2, 2004

• Poet John Keats: "Beauty is truth and truth beauty.":: President George W. Bush: "God spelled backwards is dog. Ain't that somethin'?"
• Star Jones at wedding: blushing bride:: Star Jones on honeymoon: crushing bride
• Paris Hilton's perfume: available for $29.95:: Paris Hilton: available for $19.95
• ABC: Desperate Housewives:: NBC: desperate
• Dick Cheney: "Never made my daughter's lesbianism an issue.":: Bill Clinton: "Never take my Hustler lesbian issue."
• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno: broadcast in HDTV:: Late Night With Conan O'Brien: broadcast in Albino-vision
• Clay Aiken, 2004: just dropped his second CD:: Clay Aiken, 2005: just dropped his second testicle
• Prostitute in a West Virginia coal town: has sex with hundreds of miners:: Michael Jackson: did his best work in the 80's
• P. Diddy's Christmas party: "Who wants eggnog?":: Elton John's Christmas party: "I hope that's eggnog."
• The Wizard Of Oz: "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!":: Reuben Studdard: "Lions and tigers and bears, on rye!"

January 18, 2005

• Prince Harry: impersonated a Nazi soldier:: Ashlee Simpson: impersonated a professional singer
• President Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!":: President Bush: "Mr. Oatmeal, get in my tummy!"
• The Aviator: won the Golden Globe for best drama:: Sideways: how Reuben Studdard gets through doors
• Necklaces: hang gracefully from the neck, commonly displaying a jewel:: chokers: the New York Jets
• Brad on the phone to Jen: "I need some breathing room.":: Brad on the phone to Richard Simmons: "Who's there? I can hear you breathing."
• Jack Daniels: preserved in oak barrels:: Keith Richards: preserved in Jack Daniels
• Annoying term used in emails: "LOL":: annoying term used in movies: "Starring Ben Affleck"
• Michael Jackson, 2005: surveying jury pool:: Michael Jackson, 2004: surveying kiddie pool
• Question from George Clooney after sex: "Was it good for you?":: Question from Paris Hilton after sex: "Do you need your parking validated?"

April 5, 2005

• Ashton Kutcher remake of Guess Who's Coming To Dinner: Guess Who:: Ashton Kutcher remake of A Raisin In The Sun: Dude, Where's My Raisin?
• Willie Mays: the Say Hey Kid:: Barry Bonds: the say, kid, do you know where I can get some good 'roids?
• Sammy Sosa: played with Cubs:: Michael Jackson: played with Cub Scouts
• Britney Spears: can't decide between national or international tour:: Kevin Federline: can't decide between getting high on the couch or in the tub
• Extremely sexy Irishman: Colin Farrell:: extremely sexy late night talk show host: Colin Farrell if he had a late night talk show
• Romeo and Juliet: love at first sight:: Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez: love after Jen broke off her engagement with Ben Affleck and divorced Chris Judd who'd been there after P. Diddy who she dated after divorcing model Ojani Noa, and five days after Marc got a judge in the Dominican Republic to sign off on his divorce from former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres who he dated after model Kim Vilanueva who is three women removed from the mother of his daughter Arianna, Debbie Rosado
• Jacques Chirac at the Vatican: "The Pope was a pilgrim for peace and reconciliation.":: Bush at the Vatican: "Gosh, just look at how many of us loved Frank Perdue."
• Rosario Dawson: star of popular new movie Sin City:: Star Jones: star of unpopular new movie Chin City
• Goldilocks: wakes up in a bed surrounded by bears:: Paris Hilton: wakes up in a bed surrounded by Bears, Steelers, and Patriots

May 4, 2005

• Donald Rumsfeld: just learned of new counter-insurgency measures:: George W. Bush: just learned that Clark Kent is Superman
• Star Wars: Episode III: the last to get made:: Star Wars: Episode 3 fans: the last to get laid
• Matt LeBlanc: "If my show gets cancelled, it's back to the drawing board.":: Kirstie Alley: "If my show gets cancelled, it's back to the smorgasbord."
• Mos Def: stars in Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy:: MC Hammer: lives in a 1963 Ford Galaxy
• Mary Poppins: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious:: Paris Hilton: super virus caused by sex with loads of dudes on couches
• Miles Davis jazz album: Kind Of Blue:: Kenny G jazz album: kind of blows
• The collective dumbing down of America: sad but inescapable:: Pamela Anderson: BOOBIES!
• Rosie O'Donnell: portrayed a retarded woman in a TV movie:: Anna Nicole Smith: portrayed a retarded woman on The Anna Nicole Smith Show
• Simon Cowell: votes contestants off:: Paula Abdul: gets contestants off

July 20, 2005

• Batman Begins star Christian Bale: starred in American Psycho:: Batman Begins star Katie Holmes: engaged to an American psycho
• Australian prime minister meeting George Bush: "I look forward to strengthening ties between our two great nations.":: George Bush meeting Australian prime minister: "How come y'all don't fall off the bottom of the world?"
• Tiger Woods: has won ten majors:: Michael Jackson: has done ten minors
• NBC News: very concerned about safety of their reporters in Baghdad:: Fox News: "We're sending Geraldo."
• Human Torch: teams up with Invisible Woman:: Max Weinberg: teams up with inflatable woman
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: "Bradgelina":: Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston: "Screwy McLawbreak and his walking pharmacy wife"
• Jude Law, 2003: Cold Mountain:: Jude Law, 2005: nanny mountin'
• Rolling Stones, 1969: "You can't always get what you want.":: Rolling Stones, 2005: "We can't always chew what we eat."
• Kobayashi: can eat 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes:: Kirstie Alley: can eat 50 Kobayashis in 5 minutes
• Charlie Bucket: got golden ticket in Wonka bar:: Paris Hilton: got herpes in biker bar

August 17, 2005

• John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.":: George W. Bush "I could eat me a whole big thing of potato salad."
• August 6, 1945: US detonates atomic bomb:: August 6, 2005: opening of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
• P. Diddy: trying hard to find new nickname:: general public: trying hard to give a crap
• Andrew Jackson: on the $20 bill:: Michael Jackson: on the 10-year-old Billy
• Thousand of Jews forced to move: the Gaza pullout:: thousands of gentiles forced to move: square dancing
• The Marine Corps' motto: "Leave no man behind.":: Kirstie Alley's motto: "Leave no ham behind."
• Group sex with Colin Farrell: three stewardesses:: group sex with Conan O'Brien: three-sided mirror
• Old Faithful: emits a plume of hot smoke every 76 minutes:: Snoop Dogg: do we really have to spell this out for you?
• Last-minute play in football: the "Hail Mary" pass:: last-minute play at Richard Simmons party: the "nail Gary" pass
• Prince Charles: wakes up each morning in a stone castle:: Courtney Love: wakes up each morning behind a White Castle
• MC Hammer, 1991: U Can't Touch This:: MC Hammer, 2005: "Okay, you can touch it for 20 bucks."

September 15, 2005

• Teen Wolf: Michael J. Fox:: Preteen Wolf: Michael Jackson
• CBS: #1 network with three of the top five shows:: NBC: #1 network with three of the five letters that you use to spell "bacon"
• Shaquille O'Neal: puts an average of 25 points on the board:: Snoop Dogg: keeps an average of 25 joints in his Ford
• Disney World in Orlando: you get to meet Goofy:: Disney World in Hong Kong: you get to eat Goofy
• Everyone Hates Conan: new sitcom:: Everyone Hates Conan: new documentary
• John Roberts: "I want to serve on the supreme court.":: Kirstie Alley: "I want to be served a Taco Supreme from the food court."
• Red Sox: famous for coming from behind:: Richard Simmons: helps a lot of people lose weight
• Extra pay: overtime:: no pay: Hammer Time
• When in Rome: do as the Romans do:: when in Paris: be quick and give the next guy his chance

November 10, 2005

• George Washington: he founded the nation:: George W. Bush: he found Waldo
• Terrell Owens, 2005: "What will it take to get me back on the Eagles roster?":: Terrell Owens, 2006: "What will it take to get you out of here in this new Honda?"
• Federal prosecutor: "I'm trying someone named Scooter.":: Michael Jackson: "What a coincidence, I'm also trying someone named Scooter."
• ABC: Lost:: NBC: last
• A drunk Tara Reid: "At least I'm not Courtney Love.":: a drunk Courtney Love: "At least I'm not...I am? Crap."
• Kirstie Alley: recently lost 60 pounds:: Conan O'Brien: recently lost 60 Kirstie Alley jokes
• Thomas Jefferson: has face on the $2 bill:: Clay Aiken: paid $2 to put his face under a guy named Bill
• Donald Rumsfeld to reporters: "The Bush administration would never engage in any mistreatment of detainees.":: Donald Rumsfeld to detainees: "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
• The Edward R. Murrow story: Good Night And Good Luck:: the Geraldo Rivera story: Goodbye And I Suck
• Navy battleship: Tied up by longshoremen and boarded by hundreds of sailors until it's almost bursting with seamen:: Paris Hilton: ("We can't do this one?")

January 13, 2006

• Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.":: George W. Bush: "Git 'er done!"
• Arlen Specter: good friend of Alito's:: Kirstie Alley: good friend of Doritos
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: "We're having a baby!":: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: "The insemination procedure successfully generated a viable zygote!"
• New Jersey's new state slogan: "Come see for yourself.":: America's response: "No thanks, we can smell from here."
• Tom Delay, 2004: House Majority Leader:: Tom Delay, 2006: Big house minority catcher
• Kevin Federline: K-Fed:: Nicole Richie: unfed
• Alexander the Great: wept when there were no more lands to conquer:: Paris Hilton: slept when there were no more lads to bonk her
• American war effort, 1776: we fight for our soil:: American war effort, 2006: we fight for their oil
• Gene Kelly: Singin' In The Rain:: Michael Jackson: fondling in Bahrain
• Option for date night: Chronicles of Narnia:: Star Jones' wedding night: Chronicles of Hernia

May 17, 2006

• Senator John McCain: "I'm concerned about illegal Mexicans.":: George W. Bush: "I'm concerned about unlegal Mexicanians."
• Morgan Freeman: Driving Miss Daisy:: Britney Spears: driving doomed baby
• Rush Limbaugh, 2002: "We need tougher laws for drug abusers!":: Rush Limbaugh, 2006: "Oh, come on, I was high when I said that!"
• Crazed albino with a knife: The Da Vinci Code:: crazed albino with a desk: Late Night With Conan O'Brien
• Rescue Me: show created by Dennis Leary: "Please, please, please rescue me!": notes scrawled by Katie Holmes
• Dyson vacuum: mindless, unstoppable sucking machine:: Paris Hilton: sorry, this one's too easy
• Michael Jackson: plans to fix financial mess by selling Neverland Ranch:: Tito Jackson: plans to fix financial mess by selling kidney
• Concerned priests to Catholics: "We need a Da Vinci Code boycott.":: concerned Catholics to priests: "You need to get out of that boy's cot."
• Max Weinberg: "Hey, Conan, maybe if you mention BMW we'll get free cars.":: Conan O'Brien: "Sorry, Max, but I have too much integrity to mention the pinnacle of German craftsmanship, deserving of its title as the ultimate driving machine, the BMW 740i, and I stand by that principle as sure as my favorite BMW color is midnight blue."
• Warren Buffett's favorite stock position: Johnson and Johnson:: Clay Aiken's favorite sex position: Johnson on Johnson

June 15, 2006

• Abe Lincoln to his cabinet: "A house divided shall not stand.":: George W. Bush to his cabinet: "Whoever smelt it dealt it."
• Britney Spears, 2000: "Hit me baby, one more time.":: Britney Spears, 2006: "Dropped my baby one more time."
• Roger Ebert: loves Prairie Home Companion:: Michael Jackson: loves barely grown companion
• Kenneth Lay: hostile takeover:: Donald Trump: hostile combover
• Meredith Viera: "There's nothing left for me on The View:: Star Jones: "There's nothing left for me to chew."
• Average person watching The Omen: "This movie is scary!":: Dick Cheney watching The Omen: "That kid looks nothing like me."
• Mandy Moore: often mistaken for Hilary Duff:: Nicole Richie: often mistaken for a wet lollipop rolled in cat hair
• Muhammad Ali: "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.":: Mike Tyson: "Broke like a homeless guy, covered in pee."
• Seven Dwarves: Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy:: US men's soccer team: trippy, pokey, sucky
• Tiger Woods: dreams of hole in one:: Clay Aiken: dreams of hole in Juan

August 1, 2006

• Iran: still trying to process uranium:: George W. Bush: still trying to process yesterday's SpongeBob
• Katie Couric: might make a good news anchor:: Star Jones: might make a good ship's anchor
• Lebanese government: embarrassed by extremist views of Hezbollah:: Hezbollah: embarrassed by extremist views of Mel Gibson
• Lance Bass, 2002: N*Sync:: Lance Bass, 2006: N*Stan
• LOL: internet shortcut for "laughing out loud":: MWINOMDA: internet shortcut for "Max Weinberg is naked on my doorstep again"
• Lindsay Lohan: in hot water with movie studio:: Justin Guarini: in studio apartment without hot water
• Lance Armstrong: "Lance" conveniently rhymes with "France":: Floyd Landis: "Floyd" conveniently rhymes with "roid"
• Fidel Castro: passed on power to brother:: Luke Wilson: passed on You, Me, and Dupree script to brother
• Big Dig: giant hole big enough to drive a car through:: Paris Hilton: versatile actress/singer

August 30, 2006

• Pluto: no longer a planet:: Tom Cruise: no longer a star
• Howie Mandell: Deal Or No Deal:: Nicole Richie: No meal or no meal
• Jeff Probst of Survivor: "May the best race win.":: Mel Gibson: "Go, Germans, go!"
• Tom Delay in congress: must protect Bush:: Tom Delay in prison: must protect tush
• Disclaimer at beginning of Snakes On A Plane: "no animals were harmed":: disclaimer at end of Snakes On A Plane: "no humans were entertained"
• Lowest in 31 years: SAT test scores:: lowest in 91 years: Larry King's testicles
• Katie Couric: dropped 20 pounds thanks to Photoshop:: Star Jones: gained 20 pounds thanks to slow-moving buffalo
• CNN reporter: leaves mic on in bathrooms:: Clay Aiken: gets Mike off in bathhouse

October 2, 2006

• Hugo Chavez: thinks Bush is the devil:: George W. Bush: thinks Chavez is that guy who picks coffee with his mule
• Britney Spears: "I dropped 15 pounds.":: 15 pounds: how much Britney's baby weighs
• Congressman Bill Thomas: Chairman of Ways and Means:: Congressman Mark Foley: Chairman of Gays and Teens
• Chris Wallace: bawled out by President Bill Clinton:: Mike Wallace: bawled out by President Martin Van Buren
• E.R.: doctors are in the O.R.:: Grey's Anatomy: doctors are in the O.R.G.Y.
• Terrell Owens: injured his hand playing football:: Clay Aiken: injured his hand watching football
• Pakistan's president Musharraf: has somehow managed to survive several attempts at assassination:: president George W. Bush: has somehow managed to survive several attempts at sudoku
• Walter Cronkite: "I firmly believe in the necessity of military censorship, but there is considerable danger to the democracy when in the guise of military censorship our government engages in political censorship.":: Katie Couric: "Coming up, Teri Hatcher gives us the 411 on the hottest new dog fashions."
• Janet Jackson: shocks people in new video by going topless:: Michael Jackson: shocks people in new video by going "tot-less"

November 13, 2006

• Saddam Hussein: sentenced to hang:: George W. Bush: can't get the hang of sentences
• K-Fed, 2006: Playing With Fire:: K-Fed, 2008: paying with food stamps
• Hillary Clinton: "It takes a village to raise a child.":: Madonna: "Drive faster, the village is gaining!"
• Dr. Phil giving advice on Oprah: helped people to find themselves:: Kirstie Alley wearing a bikini on Oprah: caused people to blind themselves
• Talking to Donald Rumsfeld, 2004: "Yes, sir, Mr. Defense Secretary.":: Talking to Donald Rumsfeld, 2007: "Hey Skeletor, you can't sleep in a Starbucks."
• Mel Gibson: advised not to make any more controversial movies:: Ben Affleck: advised not to make any more Ben Affleck movies
• New Yorkers hearing loud rumbling sound: "Must be the Subway.":: New Yorkers hearing loud sucking sound: "Must be the Knicks."
• Oscar Meyer employee: "I personally handle a thousand juicy wieners a day.":: Clay Aiken: talented singer
• Traditional wedding: officiated by priest or rabbi:: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding: officiated by Norlak of Alpha Centauri, chief warlord of the Venulac Sector, Quadrant 3
• Something said before sex: "I love you.":: Something Paris Hilton says before sex: "If you don't have a green wristband, you must move to the standby line."

February 12, 2007

• President Carter: helped foster peace in the Middle East:: President Bush: helped Dora the Explorer get to Candy Cane Island
• Simon Cowell: gets mean when the camera is turned on:: Paula Abdul: gets mean when the keg is turned off
• Tiger Woods: #1 in driving:: astronaut Lisa Nowak: #2 while driving
• Kevin Federline's reputation before the Super Bowl ad: lazy, can't rap:: Kevin Federline's reputation after the Super Bowl ad: good sense of humor, lazy, can't rap
• John Goodman: loves chicken fried steak:: Kirstie Alley: loves chicken fried John Goodman
• Pastor Ted Haggard last week: "I'm completely heterosexual.":: Pastor Ted Haggard next week: "Psych!"
• John D. Rockefeller: "Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.":: Donald Trump: "Rosie O'Donnell is a big fat loser."
• Senator Barack Obama: heckled at a campaign rally by anti-war activists:: Max Weinberg: tackled outside a video store by anti-porn activists
• Dixie Chicks: cleaned up at the Grammys:: Justin Guarini: literally cleaned up at the Grammys, per his contract with CleanCo Maintenance, Inc.
• Astronaut in 1969: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.":: Astronaut in 2007: "One small diaper for the drive there, one giant diaper for the drive back."

April 2, 2007

• Solid, liquid, gas: states of matter:: drunk, stoned, passed out: states of Paula Adbul
• Rudy Giuliani: projects image of competence aided by strong record as New York's mayor:: George W. Bush: projects image of a bunny aided by two fingers and a flashlight
• Bill O'Reilly on Rosie O'Donnell: "She should be fired from The View.":: Rosie O'Donnell on Bill O'Reilly: worst porno ever
• Successful McDonald's slogan: "I'm lovin' it":: Unsuccessful McDonald's slogan: "Why is my nine year old obese?"
• Hillary Clinton: cleaned up in the fundraising department:: Bill Clinton: cleaned up after fun in Daisy's apartment
• Coca-Cola: known by millions as Coke:: Sanjaya: known by millions as joke
• Quentin Tarantino: directed half of Grindhouse:: Kirstie Alley: devoured half of steakhouse
• Bono: knighted by Queen:: Clay Aiken: queen by night
• Leeza Gibons: dances with two left feet:: Heather Mills: keeps two extra left feet in the trunk of her car
• Acupuncture: getting pricked again and again and again in every part of your body:: Paris Hilton: hotel heiress

May 15, 2007

• Abraham Lincoln: "A house divided can not stand.":: George W. Bush: "A Weeble wobbling shall not fall down."
• Hillary Clinton: may switch tactics to avoid getting beaten by Obama:: Bill Clinton: may switch motels to avoid getting beaten by Hillary
• Arnold Schwarzenegger's speech on paper: "Excessive taxation weakens the economy.":: Arnold Schwarzenegger's speech when he says it: "Eggs and Dalmatians awaken Sean Connery."
• 1638 in France: Parisians celebrate the birth of the Sun King:: 1648 in America: colonials celebrate the birth of Larry King
• David Hasselhoff, 2006: "Don't hassle the Hoff.":: David Hasselhoff, 2007: "Don't hassle Daddy while he's drunkenly eating a burger off the floor."
• NBC, 1980: "Proud as a peacock.":: NBC, 2007: "Women and children first!"
• 31 year old Tiger Woods: Might have the best stroke out there:: 45 year old Roger Clemens: might have a stroke out there
• NBC anchor Brian Williams: made unexpected appearance on Saturday Night Live:: NBC drummer Max Weinberg: made unexpected appearance on Dateline: To Catch A Predator
• Burrito: traditional Mexican cuisine featuring local meats, cheeses, spices, and vegetables:: Taco Bell Burrito Supreme: a half-pound diarrhea bullet
• The Little Dutch Boy in tale: forced by circumstance to stick finger in dyke:: Paris Hilton in jail: see "The Little Dutch Boy"

June 4, 2007

• Jordin Sparkes: "I grew up on American Idol.":: Paula Abdul: "I threw up on American Idol."
• Republican candidates: eagerly awaiting tomorrow's debate:: President Bush: eagerly awaiting Transformers movie
• Babe Ruth: Bambino:: Alex Rodriguez: bangs bimbo
• Ghost ship that can never go home: The Flying Dutchman:: TB carrier that tried to go home: The Flying Douchebag
• Wolverine and Cyclops: X-Men:: Max Weinberg's midnight escorts: ex-men
• Lindsay Lohan, 2005: "I'm a box office smash.":: Lindsay Lohan, 2007: "I smashed into a box office."
• Joey Chestnut: new world record holder for hot dog eating:: Clay Aiken: new world record holder for calls and emails to Joey Chestnut
• Final episode of The Sopranos: lots of guys get aggressively whacked, resulting in a messy loss of bodily fluids:: Paris Hilton: popular hotel heiress

July 9, 2007

• President George W. Bush last week: shocked many Americans by commuting a sentence:: President George W. Bush this week: shocked many Americans by completing a sentence
• Julia Roberts: "40 is the new 30.":: Larry King: "250 is the new 125."
• Clay Aiken on Saturday: had a fight on a plane:: Clay Aiken on Sunday: had a Dwight and a Wayne
• Nicole Richie: officially pregnant:: Nicole Richie's fetus: officially heavier than Nicole Richie
• Drummer Phil Collins: prominently featured on Live Earth:: Drummer Max Weinberg: prominently featured on To Catch A Predator
• Katie Couric: publicly slapped a staff member:: George Michael: publicly slapped a stiff member
• Rupert Murdoch: makes bid for Wall Street Journal:: MC Hammer: makes bed out of Wall Street Journal
• Chef Boyardee ravioli: popular dish that's stuffed with meat and in people's mouth a minute after it's out of the can:: Paris Hilton: glamorous hotel heiress

August 10, 2007

• Old home run king: Hammerin' Hank:: New home run king: Butt-stickin' Barry
• Abraham Lincoln: wept when he heard news of Gettysburg:: George W. Bush: wept when Steve left Blue's Clues
• People who see a typical pregnant woman: "She's glowing!":: People who see a pregnant Nicole Richie: "Who stuffed an avocado inside that cocktail straw?"
• Rupert Murdoch: pays $6 billion to buy Wall Street Journal:: Clay Aiken: pays 6 bucks to touch guy at next urinal
• Amy Winehouse: "They try to make me go to rehab, I say, 'No, no, no'.":: Lindsay Lohan: "They try to make me go to rehab, I say 'blopple, blurdle, drive smash, vomit, slub slub, zzzzz'."
• Rotisserie chicken: cheap and widely available piece of white meat that is turned over and over all night long, after getting jabbed with a stiff rod and continuously basted with salty sauce, and then, after being consumed by three or four people, is discarded as worthless:: Paris Hilton: glamorous hotel heiress

October 8, 2007

• President Andrew Johnson: "The Constitution is my guide.":: President George W. Bush: "TV Guide is my Constitution."
• Vivian Leigh: A Streetcar Named Desire:: Britney Spears: a kid on a hot car roof
• Michael Vick: wanted to cop a plea:: Senator Larry Craig: wanted to pee on a cop
• Barack Obama: "The government should serve the will of the people.":: Dennis Kucinich: "The government is after me Lucky Charms!"
• Autumn in New England: watching the foliage change color and drop to the ground:: Autumn in Los Angeles: watching Lindsay Lohan change color and drop to the ground
• Roger Federer: hopes to stay on top in tennis:: Clay Aiken: hopes to stay on top of Dennis
• Leonardo DiCaprio walking into nightclub: "Oh my God, it's Leonardo DiCaprio!":: Conan O'Brien walking into nightclub: "Oh my God, that guy's fat head is blocking Leonardo DiCaprio!"
• Barry Goldwater: lost election in '64:: Larry King: last erection in '64
• Pavarotti: now singing in heaven:: Julia Child: now having to prepare a lot more food in heaven
• Picasso: initiated modernism with his masterpiece Les Demoiselles De Avignon:: James Lipton: reinvented the talk show with his masterpiece Inside The Actors Studio
• Cleveland Browns: pounded by the Pats:: Paris Hilton: pounded by the Pats, Jims, Steves, Daves, Roberts, Allens, Johns...

October 29, 2007

• Stephen Colbert: running for president with his tongue in cheek:: George W. Bush: serving as president with his head in ass
• Shock for Harry Potter fans last week: Dumbledore is gay:: shock for Harry Potter fans this week: Hagrid is a Jew for Jesus
• Isaac Newton: "What goes up must come down.":: Paris Hilton: "What goes up must go in."
• Hillary Clinton: "I represent the state of New York.":: Dennis Kucinich: "I represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild."
• New York City, 2004: "Welcome, A-Rod!":: New York City, 2007: "So long, A-hole."
• Coffee mug of President Bush's desk: "World's best dad":: Coffee mug on Vice President Cheney's desk: "Waterboarding is technically not torture, unless the procedure results in organ failure"
• Joe Girardi: may manage the Yankees:: Justin Guarini: may manage a Wendy's
• Prime time television: inundated with annoying product placement ads:: Late Night With Conan O'Brien: independent, straightforward, and upright, just like the attorneys of Fugelstein, Mayer, and Jacobs. No claim is too small.

October 2, 2008

• Franklin D. Roosevelt: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ::George W. Bush: "Soup is a drinky food!"
• Meryl Streep: gave birth in home:: Jamie Lynn Spears: gave birth in homeroom
• Barack Obama: spoke at Thomas Jefferson University:: John McCain: spoke at Thomas Jefferson's bachelor party
• Katie Holmes: currently acting on Broadway:: Amy Winehouse: currently speeding up Broadway in stolen ambulance
• Paris Hilton's reality show in 2008: My New BFF:: Paris Hilton's reality show in 2009: My New STD
• Bailout bill: returned to the House stuffed with tremendous amount of pork:: Kirstie Alley: are you really going to make us spell it out for you?
• Brad Pitt: Burn After Reading:: Charlie Sheen: burns after peeing
• Only Supreme Court case Palin can name: Roe v. Wade:: only Supreme Court case Bush can name: Alien vs. Predator
• Clay Aiken: proclaimed "I'm gay" on cover of People magazine:: Lance Bass: proclaimed "I'm gay" on Clay Aiken

November 3, 2008

• Schoolteacher: "Don't run with scissors.":: John McCain: "Don't run with Sarah Palin."
• O.J. Simpson: dreads a 5-year sentence:: George W. Bush: dreads a 5-word sentence
• Marcia Cross: got pregnant in vitro:: Jamie Lynn Spears: got pregnant in study hall
• Barack Obama: campaigning in the state of Ohio:: Ralph Nader: campaigning in the state of denial
• Championship eater Kobayashi: ate 53 hot dogs:: Kirstie Alley: ate Kobayashi
• Zombie: "Brains! Brains!":: Larry King: "Jell-O! Jell-O!"
• Anne Hathaway: America's Cinderella:: Spencer Pratt: America's Doucherella
• Barack Obama: "The Audacity of Hope":: John McCain: "The audacity of those damn kids on my lawn!"
• Madonna: leaves Guy Richie:: Paris Hilton: leaves guy itchy

Other/Unsorted

• Britney Spears: excited about new baby boy:: Kevin Federline: excited about new Laz-E-Boy
• Paris Hilton, 2007: getting 45 days in the slammer:: Paris Hilton, 2006: getting 45 slams a day
• Sea monkeys: Their life begins in a watery world:: Kevin Costner: his career ends in Waterworld